You Can't Handle The Truth

I don't remember the last time Iied about something, big or small. I'm sure I have, I'm human afterall, I just don't remember.

Lying has never appealed to me. I learned quickly from the various examples set by my brothers that lies hurt. The victims are always those who trust freely, easily, stupidly. For this reason I thought I would never give my trust to anyone (except for my parents because they have always been safe).

Recently I found someone that I felt safe with. Stupidly, I gave my trust away. They say love is blind and now I really do think that is true. I enjoyed the feeling of being separated from my thick emotional barricade so much that I was oblivious to the deception happening around me and in front of me everyday.

I've cried about it, and even laughed a little. I've felt sorrow, and shame, and hope, although not equally. I don't know what will happen next. The news came in stages. It might still be coming. For the last five days I've felt like I've been hit in the stomach over and over again by something like that giant battering ram in Lord of the Rings. The one manned by the cave troll, with the giant flaming dragon's head. I feel sick so I've put up the wall again. I'd forgotton what it was like to walk around feeling like this. I hate it, but it's necessary.

Mom says that she and I are the same in that we'd like to believe everyone has a good, honest heart, and this makes us naive. I just think that it makes us good people with reasonable expectations. Perhaps that is naive, I guess.

My best friend once told me that she admires me because I "make all the right choices." I don't know if that has ever been true, and I am especially uncertain now. I guess only time will tell if I truly do make the right choices, or if I am a sucker for punishment.

I hope the former is true. I hope I can laugh disproportionately about this one day. I hope, if only just a little, and I try to look towards our future as I focus on my own.